There once was a man with mousy-brown hair and blue-grey eyes like salty ocean waves.
His smile gave way to the depths of his heart. And his joy radiated through the room. like the colourful mosaic of an early morning sunrise.
He was a man of far-reaching love and kindness.
I remember the last hug he gave me when the door closed behind him as he walked out into the night.
He was a man who could not see darkness as peaceful.
To him, darkness was a cave with its walls crumbling in.
Cracking Breaking Falling
This man, my brother, fell deeper and deeper into his own darkness.
Until his reality became a blur in the far-off horizon.
My brother walked outside to his beloved red truck. Red like the fire engine he drove to save other people’s lives. But that night, red did not represent life-saving. No longer a driver in life, he sat down in the passenger seat. He was going to a place far beyond my reach. There was no road that could bring him home.
Now I want you to picture morning mist swirling up from a silent lake like dancing fairies.
So gentle and so beautiful. So full of life.
His truck was filled with mist. Yet this mist was not gentle or silvery-white. This mist was green and toxic to his lungs.
This mist was dancing ghosts beckoning him to stop breathing and firmly grasp hold of death’s hand.
I wish I could tell you that he changed his mind. That he returned to reality and chose to live.
But my brother breathed deeply as that harsh green mist pulled him close. And then he was gone.
No longer a driver in life, my brother lay dead in the passenger seat of his beloved red truck.
He lay dead.
I wish he were not a ghost suspended in time. Unlike a tiny particle frozen in a snowflake, my brother can never melt into living.
I will always miss that man, my brother. But I have learned many things along the way.
About the process of cultivating the courage and strength to move through and grow from sadness and pain.
So when I come to look at myself in a springtime puddle, instead of broken bits, I will see the whole of my heart reflecting back.